Go In to Build Relationships, Not to Sell

Nobody Wants to Be Sold To.

I was coaching a founder recently who was about to start walking into local businesses to introduce a platform he'd built. He believed in it, but when we talked through the conversations he kept picturing a pitch, and you could see him bracing for the moment the other person's face closed off.

What I told him was that he wasn't going in to sell, he was going in to build a relationship. If the word "sell" makes your stomach drop before your first customer conversations, this is for you.

Why the pitch instinct backfires

When you've built something, the instinct is to explain it. You say what it is, list what it does, and wait for a yes. The trouble is that the other person immediately feels sold to, and almost nobody enjoys that position. They get guarded, they look for the exit, and everything you say next passes through a filter of suspicion.

I see the same instinct in sales generally. I've closed deals myself and trained other people to close, and the pattern with newer closers is consistent. They watch a few Reels, copy a script, and run it on every call, with very little understanding of how to build a relationship with the person on the other end. That part takes years to learn, which is why a script feels like a shortcut. It works well enough on small, easy decisions. Once the offer is bigger and the person has more at stake, they can tell they're being run through a process, and they get nervous or they leave.

It's worse early on, when you have no case studies or track record to lean on. You're asking a busy person for attention they never offered, and a pitch makes that ask feel bigger.

What a relationship-first conversation looks like

Start with something true. You need one or two sentences on why you're there and why them. In the case I was coaching, it was along the lines of: we came across your business, we've built a profile for you on a platform we're launching, and I'm local too, so I wanted to come by and see how long you've been around. It's honest, it explains the visit, and it makes the person feel noticed rather than targeted. The hard part is saying it without rambling.

Then ask questions. How long have you been going? What are your clients usually like? Are you booked out, or is it quiet at the moment? Are you doing much on social media? They're common-sense questions, and they do two jobs: they show you're interested, and they teach you things about the market that you can't learn from a desk.

Make it work for both people. This is the part I've learned from the other side. I reach out to a lot of founders for a coffee and a conversation, usually through Instagram, and the ones that turn into something are the ones where the catch-up makes sense for both of us. Someone who's building flat out doesn't have time for a conversation that only benefits the other person, so I try to treat it as an exchange between two people who each have something the other could use. Those conversations have turned into clients, collaborations and skill swaps for me. The best of them also get honest quickly, with each of us admitting that parts of this are hard.

I've also been on the receiving end of the opposite. Some catch-ups are clearly a setup to turn into a sale of the other person's program, and you get better at spotting that with experience. It makes you careful about how you ask for people's time, because the person across from you is checking, whether they say so or not.

Let them ask about you. If it's going well, they'll get curious and ask what you're building and why. Now you're answering a question instead of forcing a pitch, and that's the moment to tell your own story, including any years you've spent in their world.

Adapt to the person. Some people are quiet and measured, some are fast and loud. You don't become someone else, but you meet them where they are. I learned this in personal training: a bouncy delivery makes an introvert retreat, and a flat one bores an extrovert.

Expect some conversations not to click. Part of this is personality. You're not trying to win everyone, only to find the people for whom what you're building makes sense.

Why it works better

People say more when they aren't being sold to. In the early days what you hear is worth more than a sale, because it tells you whether you're building the right thing. Sometimes you'll hear a need you hadn't considered, or learn about a competitor you didn't know existed, which forces the useful question of what makes yours different.

There's also what happens afterwards. People look you up, usually on social media, to see whether you're the real thing. If the conversation felt like a relationship and your online presence backs it up, that second look works for you.

Questions to ask yourself before you walk in

• Can I explain who I am and why I'm here in two sentences, without rambling?
• Am I curious about this person's business, or waiting for my turn to talk?
• What would make this conversation worth their time, not just mine?
• What do I want to learn that has nothing to do with a yes or a no?
• If they asked why I started this, what would I honestly say?

The real shift

If you believe a conversation's job is to get a yes, every moment carries pressure, for you and for them. If you believe its job is to learn something and start something, most of that pressure goes. You can still ask for things. You just earn the right to ask first.

It's also a lot easier to do with someone who's been through it standing next to you. Most of what I do with founders in the Founder Accelerator is that: helping them see their own conversations a bit more clearly than they can from inside them.